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Hey guys!

So I’m back for another blog post – sooner than expected actually. I guess with all this free time I’m having I can actually afford to spend some of it writing on here and I’m actually wanting to share my thoughts and experiences a bit more. haven’t planned anything specific for this post, but I’ll see where it takes me. 

Tomorrow is a bit more busy than usual. My friend is getting married on the weekend and we have invited her friends and family to stay at ours and therefore everything must be de-cluttered and spotless and not reflect the chaos that the house is normally in. So, I have to tidy with my mum on her day off (tomorrow). It’s remarkable: I’ve only been back home a week and my bedroom is already a death trap. I went to the loo in the middle of the night and almost broke my neck falling over my keyboard that I had left on the floor along with my sisters sylvanian families and a bunch of other random crap lying around. I just don’t have the ability to put anything away. I’m lazy, that’s the word. Part of it may be due to the fact that I don’t particularly like being in my room alone during the day. I only go in it to sleep, dress and dry my hair. Hence, the more time I spend tidying and putting stuff away equates to more time to potentially feel stressed out and lonely. Maybe that’s just an excuse…idk.

I had my appointment today. I think I said it was on Wednesday last post but I got that wrong. It was a little odd to be waiting in the room that I had waited in so many times last year. I got that scared feeling in my stomach as I watched the clock and tried to read my book, but I knew that I had no real reason to be afraid or nervous. I always get that feeling — even when waiting for the doctor to discuss something so insignificant like the flu jab or the pill. I guess – for me- it’s just the anticipation of waiting for something that involves you to reveal stuff about yourself in a one to one situation. I’m pretty sure they want me to see a psychiatrist again but I don’t know if that will happen – I didn’t get on with the last one, so much so he hung up on me mid conversation when checking how things were going. I’m sceptical about this whole treatment, but doing something is better than nothing. I’ve just gotta keep going.

I’m also wondering whether I should get retested for autism/Aspergers. It’s not that I think I don’t have any aspects of it – because I clearly do struggle slightly in similar ways that other aspies do – but the struggle is often so minimal and sometimes non existent that I don’t feel like having the label is doing me any favours or that I even need any support at all. I feel like a fake. It’s difficult. Because I am very specific and particular when it comes to diagnosis’. All the information has to be correct and up to date, otherwise I’ll ask for a second opinion. In the case of my aspergers diagnosis, some of the information in my final report was false. Blatantly false. Either because my mum couldn’t remember and made something up, or there was a misunderstanding and they wrote it down wrong. And I guess a part of me was scared that I wouldn’t be diagnosed and given the extra attention that I wanted at the time, so I may have subconsciously or even consciously at times tried to act in a way that would secure me with a diagnosis. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Because I do not feel secure in myself. I am unaware of my true identity, living a life based on uncertainty and falseness. I’m going to ask, anyway. I’ll book it now, because it’ll take at least 3 years to get to the top of the waiting list.

Even thinking about it makes me feel all worked up. I’ll stop thinking about it.

I went to a talk about neuroscience and perception tonight. It was very interesting and the speaker showed a lot of images and videos that questioned our own sense of reality. I do like psychology. I would have done a degree in it if it wasn’t so ridiculously hard to get a job within the field. I’m also terrible – TERRIBLE – at maths and the course involves quite a lot of statistics. 

I should probs go to bed now. Why do I always do this – start off a post really enthusiastically and then care less and less as it goes on. 

What’s your favourite film? There’s a question. Leave a comment and an explanation. My favourite film would have to be “the lovely bones”. Sad story, beautifully made. 

I’m lying on my side on my bed, typing with one finger and making loads of typos. If I had to write this whole post like this I would be here for hours. Ok, I’m gonna go, tired me is rambling and getting all hypothetical.

-Blueyes

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