I wasn’t sure if I should do a blog post today. I started writing one just this morning, but I backspaced after my first sentence. I’ve just been feeling a bit…..I don’t know how to describe it. Different. Out of sorts. Uncomfortable. Uneasy. For some reason.
I went out clubbing with Willow and Sticks last night – not something I normally do. And after my second long island I was loving it. Loving being drunk. Loving losing my demons. I could finally let go. I thought nothing of anything. Every time I blinked I felt as if I had entered a memory, or a dream, or a world in which there was no time, no future and no past and no present. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does to me. We were directly under the smoke machines. And looking at it, I thought how easy it would be to gas us if one wanted to.
The songs weren’t great though, and by 2am I was engulfed with exhaustion, wishing that I had sacrificed my eardrums to some actual good tunes. There was so much stuff on my bed when I got to my room, I pushed everything onto the floor and tried to work out the pitch of the ringing in my ears as I waited for sleep to take hold.
I woke up at 7. Then 9. Then I climbed up the hill to the library.
I’m not hung over though. Surprisingly. My body and balance was all over the place and I was talking to myself in the toilet cubicle, but a small safe in my brain kept reminding me to check that I still had my bag, that my keys were safe in my pocket and that I could snap out of it just like that if something were to happen.
At about 10am this morning I found out about what had happened in Manchester (UK). If you don’t know, there was an attack during an Ariana Grande concert that has left 22 dead, among them children. And I felt bad. I felt sad. And I still do.
I had a sudden panic when I remembered that my older sister is living in Manchester, and I was scared that she had been affected.
I was the only one of my family to show concern. She sent me a message saying that she was a little offended that I would think she would go to an Ariana Grande concert.
I’ve tried to do some work, but it’s difficult when this unknown feeling is hovering around me. My mind is getting angry about all the people who keep walking past. I always feel that they are spying on me, and their heavy footsteps make so much unnecessary noise.
It’s not always like this, you should know.
I have 2 more exams. And I just want to go home. I don’t like it there, but I hate being in this library. I hate my dumpster of a room and my flat mate who harasses me without knowing. I hate the feeling of being by myself. And I hate this feeling. I hope it goes away soon.